Monday, April 29, 2013

This Won't Be The Last -

First there is hope, shaded by silent promises and the warmth of being wrapped up in his arms.

This is followed by a pristine moment of clarity. 
(I had forgotten what serenity feels like.)

Clarity forges indifference to shield the war-wise heart, but leads directly to disappointment anyway. Thunder grinds away without the calm of rain. 

Sadness sets up and smolders deep inside, where there's no room for tears. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Dreamy eyes open slowly
to baritone grumbles,
long and lowly,
crawling across the sky.

Ashen light soaks through thin blinds
and perfectly triangular ears
listen -
regarding the morning rain.

He is brave,
but he settles more tightly into
the hollow of my belly


it is pouring -
at the end of a concrete hallway
as I stand before floor to ceiling glass
I wish the water would
swallow me whole.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


Mike strummed an amplified version of the Bridal Chorus at my request. He watched from the periphery with the guitar balanced on his thigh. After we said our vows, there was an enthusiastic mixture of chords and electric melody, airborne right along with white flowers and cheers.

I've not a single picture of myself with Michael on my wedding day.

S.B. and I left for a two week honeymoon in Greece while Mike got married the following Saturday to a girl named Megan. She was a lifeguard and practiced American Sign Language over dinner. She went to school for certification in Special Education. I didn't make it to their wedding, but from photos I remember the distinct and awkward tan lines plunging upwards from her strapless gown.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

We are all liars.

Michael: Lulu, I'm sorry. 
Michael: Don't ask me to explain it, just know that I am sorry.
Received @1:18 am

I guess I'm not even going to ask.


I haven't talked to Mike since last fall, when I sent him a text message on the long drive home from Toronto. Of course, text would not convey how sobbing tears blurred the midnight traffic while the night weighed down empty and endless. Why was I crying?

Me: Its a shame that our friendship is ruined.
Me: I could really use a kindred spirit right about now.
Michael: It's not ruined.
Michael: You know you can always talk to me.
Me: But I won't. We won't. I'm just sorry, that's all.

We went to high school together but weren't friends until college. His apartment was near the highway and we used to stay up all night on Flaming Dr. Pepper shots and Metallica. A pyramid of Keystone cans displayed on the end table near the front door. Rooms littered with computer parts and guitars. My best friend Jennie was secretly in love with him, but I was the one who slept with him years ago - the night after he broke up with his girlfriend. Jennie never found out.

I wonder sometimes if he didn't just stay suspended there, not knowing how to forget.

Acceptance Speech

ver·sa·tile adjective \ˈvər-sə-təl, especially British -ˌtī(-ə)l\
     1 :   changing or fluctuating readily : variable
     2 :   embracing a variety of subjects, fields, or skills; also : turning with ease from one thing to another
     3 a (1) : capable of turning forward or backward : reversible (2) : capable of moving laterally and up and down
        b of an anther : having the filaments attached at or near the middle so as to swing freely
     4 :   having many uses or applications

Maija of The Sequined World, along with  my doppleganger namesake Loulou of Sugarstorm, have both graciously named me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Now, I'm new to this game and don't really know what awards are for other than spreading love. So, it's in that vein I play along.

As I have mentioned time and again, it is always (always) nice to know that someone, no matter how far, connects with what I might write. I am small and minimally consequential on most days; However, I would be lying if I said there wasn't some validation in blogging to you - essential strangers. But you know that.

The acceptance of the versatile blogger award comes with stipulations (like any quality chain letter). Here they are:
  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you with a link back to their site.
  2. List 7 interesting things about yourself.
  3. Link to 15 (or 7, or whatever) blogs that you would like to nominate for the award yourself.

About me?
1. You can find everything you need to know right here. It's all true. Out of chronology, maybe, but still burning in a layover of blank space, waiting to be snuffed out in words.
2. I am not sure I'll ever love anyone like I love my dog. His name is Newton. Like Sir Isaac fruit and cake.
3. I am both liberated and lonely.
4. I am envious of adult children who have healthy relationships with their parents. I often wonder how much is my own fault.
5. I love to cook, yet I just ate jelly beans for dinner.
6. I believe the best sex of my life will happen in my 30s.
7. They way I feel the morning after only three glasses of wine can only mean that I damaged my liver beyond repair while I was in college. 
And now, for the bloggers. The girls above stole a couple of my very favorites already, but there are many I like to follow. I'm going to limit my list to three for now.

S. at .As Far As The Eye Can See. for her script of love and heartbreak that speaks to me even when I'm not sure how.
Keith at Musings of an Unapologetic Dreamer for his little insights into the every day.
Sara at Raging euphemisms because I'm addicted to her story.